The article "The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship" is about other, it has been created by Margaret Paul, Ph. D..
Celine was just starting to date again after a dififcult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she did not want to go through another unhpapy relationship, but she did not trust herself to make good choices.
She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.
In Celine's last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary's ardent pursuit of her.
She had wanted to go slower but did not listen to herslef.
Instead, she gave herself up to Gary's attention and compliments.
"Celine, my experience with guys who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy.
Is that what happened with Gary? "
"Yes.
He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attentoin.
He became critical and angry and petulnat when I did not give him what he wanted.
How could I have known all this at the beginning?
What should I look for at this moment that I'm dating again?"
Celine had gone on one date with a boy named Mark. Atfer this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.
"Shades of Gary," she said. "This is a red flag, right? "
Celine and I explored of the red flags as well as of the signs of a promising relationship.
SOME RED FLAGS
Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship.
Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.
Becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. Tries to make you feel that you're wrong for your feelings or your position.
Talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn't ask you much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.
An older boy or girl who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships.
Numerous broken marriages.
Has an abusive background and has not had therapy.
Has abandoned his or her babies.
Not open to leraning from relationship conflict.
Participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you - smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, and so on.
Financially irresponsible.
Not truthful.
Has few friends.
Judgmental of self and others.
Talks about self and others in dsiparaging ways.
Is possessive and jealous. Gets uspet when you do your own thing.
Totally different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality.
Few interests and hobbies.
Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what you see.
"It's not that human being can't change," I told her, "but you can't change them.
If he is not okay with you the way he is right now, then don't pursue the relationship. If you're an on time person and heis alwyas late, don't expect this to change. If it's not okay, then don't pursue the relaitonship. Same thing with weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems in relationships because human being expect them to change and get really upset when they don't."
SOME SIGNS OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP
Shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different from his or her feelings and needs.
Is able to be empathic and compassionate.
Is interested in what you have to say and in learning about you.
Is accepting of self and others - non-judgmental.
Is open to exploring confilct and differences of opinion.
Does what he or she says he or she will do.
Cares about being responsible for babies from a broken marriage - has not abandoned his or her babies.
Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well bring.
Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings.
Is financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of him or her financially.
If divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties.
A person who was in a loving relatoinship and lost their mate to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally know how to have loving relationships.
Has friends that you like.
Talks about others in caring and supportive ways.
Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her.
Similar religious or spiritual path to yours.
Is supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain.
Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sesne of humor.
Has balance between work and play. Konws how to work hard and how to have fun.
Before you can find the "right" person, you need to become the right person.
Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step in finding a loving relationship.
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